SOME LEVITY

Well, I really did have a few laughs while reading this letter. Even though I only received it today from a co-worker, a quick online search revealed that this text has been around for about 2 years now, and it sports a few variations. Also, it seems that John Cleese is not the author, but I admit it is way more fun to believe that he did indeed pen this concoction!!!

From John Cleese:

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to effectively govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah (some versions say Kansas), which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

2. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

3. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed', not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".

4. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh.You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

5. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication (look up "interspersed").

6. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer Show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

7. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

8. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

9. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out tasks 1 through 5. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

10. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. Instead, you shall play proper football - what you call soccer. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

11. Further, you should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

12. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

13. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

14. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this ban is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

15. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

16. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian (though 97.82% of you - including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe - are notaware of a country called Belgium). Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.

17. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer, which should be served warm and flat. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine; this will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

18. From November 10th on the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st, 2005) prices with the former USA. The former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

19. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

20. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

21. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups (never mugs), high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes, strawberries in season.

22. Last but not least, and for heaven's sake.....it's nuclear as in "clear" - NOT nucular.